Bad Baby Names!

Welcome to BAD BABY NAMES! All BAD BABY NAMES are actual, verified names from newspapers & online webnurseries from the US & Canada. So enjoy & be glad your parents didn't name you one of these doozies! Remember: all babies are beautiful gifts from God, all created equal...all baby names, however, are NOT.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

BAD BABY NAMES 7: With Silver Buttons All Down Her Back

(Note: this post originally appeared on the old BAD BABY NAMES blog.)


Now, I'll admit to a bias on this son's name is Phoenix. Spelled CORRECTLY. This is yet another ATTACK OF THE Y's name. When will it end???

Sometimes, a CRE8IVE SPELLING name not only looks weird, but also looks as if the entire pronounciation of the name has changed. Is this still Ezekial, or ee-zee-qweel? The world may never know.

Xoi Phantasia
This is just appallingly, appallingly bad.

I hope this child's parents never end up in a custody dispute. "He's MaShawn!" "No, he's MaShawn!"

All I can say here is....why?

I can understand place names, although I think most of them are quite hideous. Sometimes, a place is so special, so important to the family, that they want to memorialize it. But come on...Montana?

Mom has not yet finished her birth announcements; they've gotten lost in the Maeleigh.

I'm glad virtue names are coming back into style. Names like Hope, Faith and Grace are timeless classics. I even named my older daughter a virtue name myself (Serenity). But please, people....SPELL IT CORRECTLY! This looks like a valley girl name. "Like, fer sure Triniti! Gag me with a spoon!" Now see what you people have've made me reference "gag me with a spoon" twice in a row now! (See "Gaggery" in Bad Baby Names 6)

Just when I think I've seen the worst CRE8IVE SPELLING name ever, I am proven wrong...

A trisky, a Kascy, a green and yellow basky....

Welcomed home, no doubt, by mom Lake and dad Palmer....

Anyone want to lay bets that Lyric ends up being tone-deaf?

Ogheneawore Jesse
This is one hell of a MOUTHFUL it oh-gen-e-ah-war? At least he has Jesse to fall back on.

This is another great example of a MOUTHFUL name! I assume it's pronounced as kay-lee-anne....but WOW. This one should be fun to learn how to spell in grade school....

This name automatically made me think of the movie Heavy Metal. Anyone remember that? The film where all these different universes are affected by a glowing, evil, talking ball called a Lobnar? Is Lobna perhaps the feminine version?

I can't go through this again. Just read the entry for "Triniti" above. I need to lay down.

NeVeah Riann
I cannot, for the life of me, understand the appeal of Neveah. And every time I think I've seen the ugliest, least appealing version of the name...along comes another despicable spelling. This one not only misses the point (if it's really "heaven" backwards, the name should read "Nevaeh," not "Neveah"), but the random capitalization just clinches it as a BAD BABY NAME for me.

Heaven-Lee Angel
Someone needs to stop the people who think naming kids things like Heaven-Lee Angel is cute. Get a dog....and even then, spare it such an overly cutesy name!

Daykon Mykall Jaycub
Hoocd un fonix wurked fer me!

Kaisley Rae
This one's a shoo-in for the REDNECK HALL OF SHAME!

I have to admit...I'm perplexed by STAR-STRUCK names. Possibly even more so than the other categories of BAD BABY NAMES. Who really emulates celebrities that much? What if said celebrity later pulls a Pee Wee Herman or Michael Jackson? You've then sentenced your kid to life with a name associated with theatre masturbation and plastic surgery run amok. Is it worth it? I guess for some people, it is. But of all the STAR-STRUCK names I've seen, this one really confuses me. Naming a GIRL after Don Mattingly? Was Dad really such a big sports fan? And Mom went along with this? A pox on both of them!

Not only is this a really, really awful CRE8IVE SPELLING, but it makes me wonder...what was the point of this? Do they like New Jersey that much? Is that even possible? Or did Dad name his baby girl after his favorite shirt? What's going on here? And will Jerzie ever forgive her parents? Enquiring minds want to know.

She was fired 'cause she couldn't meet Daquota....

Say good-night, Graysee.

This is one of the best SCI-FI names yet! I can just hear Worf now: "Captain Picard, we are approaching Zebulon 3....communications channels open on all frequencies...."

Sometimes, every now and again, I run across a name that makes me just want to throw my hands up in the air and yell, "I GIVE UP! YOU PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY HOPELESS!" I need an aspirin.


What in the hell? How is this pronounced? What on Earth were these parents thinking? "Hey, I've got a GREAT idea! Let's give our kid the most messed-up name we can think of! One that will ensure he will constantly have to explain it every where he goes, every day, for the rest of his life! I've got it! C'THA!"


Rainbeau Jane
This one gave me a giggle. It sounds like the title of a Grateful Dead bootleg. Or one of the sisters of River Phoenix. Come on people now, smile on your Rainbeau Jane....


They say you can burn up to 70 calories laughing. If so, I deserve a Snickers bar, thanks to little Mary Mac.

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