Bad Baby Names!

Welcome to BAD BABY NAMES! All BAD BABY NAMES are actual, verified names from newspapers & online webnurseries from the US & Canada. So enjoy & be glad your parents didn't name you one of these doozies! Remember: all babies are beautiful gifts from God, all created equal...all baby names, however, are NOT.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

BAD BABY NAMES 6: Crawl Like an Egyptian

(Note: this originally appeared on the old BAD BABY NAMES blog.)


Aliz'e Dawn
There seems to be a new Bad Baby Names trend going 'round....naming your child after the liquor you were drinking when you concieved. If you've ever said the word in the sentence, "Lord, I promise I'll never drink _______ ever again," it's not something to name your child.

I can't help but wonder what this child's first trip to a Spanish-speaking country would be like: "What can I get for Senorita Senora?"

Come on, now. This is the epitome of laziness. You need VOWELS, people.

Ci'lon Teshawn
This is another of those names I can't figure out how to pronounce, but no matter what I come up with, it still rhymes with Teshawn.

Alexuz Neveah
This name combines two of my naming pet peeves: cre8ive spellings, and the name Neveah. Neveah has got to be, hands-down, one of the most appallingly BAD BABY NAMES on the planet. I can't explain its recent popularity; it might have something to do with drinking too much Aliz'e, who knows. The fans of this naming disaster love to exclaim, "It's Heaven backwards!" Hey, Einstein, correct me if I'm wrong....but isn't the opposite of Heaven, Hell? And as for Alexuz....all I can say is that some few cre8ive spellings actually do make a name look more attractive, and I can see the appeal of that. But why take a nice name and make it look terrible? I just don't get it...but then again, someone who likes Neveah might think Alexuz is just dandy....

I'm at a loss for words here.

Wilmary Joevy
This is yet another attempt by parents to combine their seperate names into one unified name for the baby. This can have great results, but usually the result is just awful. Take Wilmary, daughter of Delmary and Wilson. I assume had little Wilmary been a boy, he'd had the name Wilmar (as in Wilmer Valderrama). Not a great name, but not the albatross Wilmary is. I don't know where the Joevy comes from; I'm afraid to ask.

Dilin Edward
Dillion/Dylan is not a bad name. Dilin is a silly name. There are some CRE8IVE SPELLINGS that just make the parents look hopelessly illiterate; this is one of them.

Prince Teofilo
How many times MUST I say this: Michael Jackson is NOT a good parental role model. His nose is falling off and he sleeps with little boys. Why would you want to follow his BAD BABY NAME trend? This ain't the Moonwalk, people. It's a baby. Hopefully, one that's not nicknamed Blanket.

Cashbee Alexander
Some baby names just make you shake your head. Cashbee is a good example. What is a Cashbee? Is it a greedy honeybee? Or the accountant of the hive? Maybe the guy who gives the worker bees their paychecks on Fridays?

Zorimar Ivaelys
You're the only one who can save us, Zorimar!

Quaid William Taylor
No one likes Randy Quiad this much. Or Dennis. Either one.

Another example of taking a nice name and ruining it with unnecessary CRE8IVE SPELLING. What was the point of that here? Did they like the name Christian but were afraid to offend their Jewish in-laws? I don't get it.

In a Murphy's Law kind of way, you just know Clever is going to be the town dullard.....

Granger Scott
When I lived in the mountains as a child, there was a park ranger we called Ranger Scott. I'm not sure what a Granger Scott is.

"I am Arthur, King of the Brittons!" "Who are the Brittons?" "Why, that child! He is a Britton!"

Vowels, people. VOWELS.

He is the Alpha and the, wait.....

D'Sani Judaia
Are people really this desperate for name ideas, that they will name their precious infant after a medium-priced bottled water? What, did they think Evian was too pretentious?

"I love you Truly, Truly dear....."

I don't even know where to start with this one.

Empress Camille
And now, added to the list of PSEUDO-ROYALTY NAMES (along with the beforementioned Prince Teofilo).....Empress Camille!

(Sigh) VOWELS!

Can you imagine this guy's wedding? "I, I'Ashon, do take this woman....."

Liyawna Cire
She was puzzled as to why everyone thought she was so very boring. Every time anyone called out her name, they yawned.....

I've been noticing lately that the name Xavier is back in style. I approve: it's a nice name. But it isn't just the name that's in style, it's mutilating the name that's all the rage. Anyone remember little Q'Zavier? He's now got a little friend in the strangely-yet-somewhat-phoentically-spelled Exzavier.

I keep imagining the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese's, and Mom here trying, as we all have, to extricate a toddler from it. In other words: digging for buried Treasure.

I'm assuming they meant Sincere. Well, they certaintly aren't Clever! Truly.


"You make me feel like a Naturelle baby...." Seriously, this doesn't look like a looks like a French feminine hygiene product.


Heavenlee Grace
This goes under the category of Bad Baby Names Combos. Grace, in and of itself, is a lovely name (my great-grandmother was named Grace). But Heavenlee Grace is just....ridiculous. It reminds me of a girl I went to school with, Poetry Sayer. I don't know why some people insist that naming your kids as if they were My Little Ponies or Precious Moments figurines is cute. It's not. It's sickening. Like drinking warm maple syrup right out of the jar at I-Hop: nauseatingly sweet. Yuck, yuck, yuck.



We've seen a lot of PSEUDO-ROYALTY BAD BABY NAMES here: Princess, Prince, Baron, Empress....but Pharaoh Nicolas takes the cake. Or the pyramid, as it were. Crawl like an Egyptian, baby!

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