Article: Name Your Kids Creatively
Issue date: 10/6/06 Section: Opinion
The intended result of sex in the traditional sense is to produce offspring. Give or take nine months, baby comes sliding out of mom and the next step is to name the little sprout - a task few have enough fun with.
Now if an individual were to take a look at a list of popular baby names, one will certainly notice that a lot of these names come from the Bible. This is fine except for one teeny tiny little thing. If you do this you are plagiarizing God! If you think plagiarism gets you in trouble, wait until you die. This is a joke, so religious zealots please don't show up at my door with a lynch mob in tow. My point is people should be more creative when naming their kids. I mean, you cannot throw a rock into a crowd and not hit someone named Bob.
Probably the best way to make sure your kid is cool is to name them after Star Wars characters. Star Wars (the originals) are pretty much the best movies in the history of cinema.
A word of warning though, naming your kids after Star Wars characters needs to be done the right way. For example if you name them after Han Solo and your last name is Johnson, your kid cannot be Han Johnson. They will have to be named Han Solo Johnson. Include the full name, otherwise it won't be cool.
Another way to make sure your kid has a cool name is to take names from ancient Greek culture and mythology. Odysseus is a pretty cool name. Agamemnon is also a winner. I guarantee that when people meet your kid they will not forget him if his name is Agamemnon.
A good Greek name for women is Helen. Now this name is fairly common today, albeit for old ladies. Other names appropriate for the fairer sex are Athena and Aphrodite. However a word of warning is necessary for those of you who name your daughter Aphrodite. If she grows up and becomes a slut, people will point at her and yell, "How ironic!"
Something else that would make cool names for people are the names of capital cities. Now there are already some famous instances of this in today's culture. For example, the social tick and sex tape enthusiast Paris Hilton. However, no one wants their kid to be like Paris so I'll offer some better suggestions.
Name your kid Mogadishu. For those of you who are not geographically inclined, Mogadishu is the capital of Somalia. Damascus (the capital of Syria) would also make a cool name for your little one. The best city to be named after, though, would have to be Stockholm.
Speaking of Stockholm, maybe it would be best to just name your kids after all things Swedish ? except lutefisk. Sweden is a great place. It is not just any group of people who can make socialism work. Also the Vikings discovered North America, and were honored with an NFL team whose name is not insulting to the ethnic group.
Good names for sweet little Swedish girls are Pernilla, Svea and Agda. However if you're really lucky you'll have a boy. Nothing against having a daughter, but if you have a son you can name him Thor. In Norse mythology, Thor is the god of thunder.
In addition to being named after a god, it would be impossible to fail at life with this name. Even if you were a fat, disgusting middle-aged slug working at Burger King with wispy strands of hair clinging to your profusely sweating neck, you would be cooler than 99.9 percent of the population.
For all you expecting preggos out there who were having a hard time deciding what to name your little one, I hope this helps. I look forward to meeting all those little Admiral Ackbar Smiths and Agamemnons in the future.